Bisquits

The other day I was asking John H. why my biscuits didn't turn out all light and fluffy. He said he used to make 200 biscuits every morning and some days they just didn't turn out.  That's similar to what happened to me. I believe I did everything right, it just didn't end with a hollywood ending.

Ricky is bi-polar, psychotic and anger prone. He has AIDS, addicted to meth and has prostate cancer. He can also be a nice guy. And he can be a nice friend on his good days. I knew when I invited him into my home how it would end. Everyone that knows him knew how it would end. And it actually ended much better than I expected. I was just hoping for two months instead of two weeks.

And while Ricky is not welcome back in my home now or anytime in the future, if I could travel back in time, knowing what I know now, I would do it all again without a blink. Sometimes friends are more important than the shit that happens.

I believe Ricky had to grow through this as part of his eventual recovery/process. And it was good for me. I tend to be tentative and hesitant but I was holding him while he was puking & shaking and talking to a nurse at the same time. I stood up to Ricky during conflict. I helped him make better choices. I called upon friends to support me. And I hope to God I never have to use these skills again but Matt, should you or any of my friends ever need anything, I am now more confident I can be there. I will do whatever it takes, immediately and without flinching. I have enormous resources available to me.

This isn't about me inviting a crazy man into my home (at least not this time); it's about me helping a friend. And if I have to get covered in shit and end up a bit chewed up it doesn't matter. If I only went into situations where there was a good chance of a happy ending I would be very disappointed with myself. Yeah, my last couple of batches of biscuits were heavier than a door stop but I made some awesome banana bread the other day. I have a weird laugh but that's just a part of who I am. I don't always take the safest path, either. I'm not destructive nor do I look for danger but I will look it in the eye and giggle. And that means sometimes I get hurt. But I learned a lot about recovering; I'm good at that, too.